I woke up this morning, comparing this one to every other. The numbers on my alarm clock blend into one another; they make me want to slam on the snooze button. Realizing I can’t, I let the beeping echo play in my head. I stare at the shadows of my dresser painted on the wall from the light sneaking through open blinds. This brings me my ten minutes of comfort, knowing that the warmth off my blanket still exists until I force myself off the bed. My feet hit the cold hardwood floor; it sends chills up my spine. Stumbling like a one year old, I try to slip on my bathrobe, (which takes more than one attempt), put my hair up and reach for a towel to hop in the shower.
Stepping into a nice hot shower, noticing the condensation forming on the glass, I begin to relax, forget everything’s importance, and unwind before starting my day. It’s something about the water that relaxes but wakes me at the same time. I exit through my shower doors and prepare myself for the cool air, among other things that awaits me. Wrapping my robe around me I wonder “what will be the highlight of my day?” I start to get dressed, reach the end of my routine; chasing the clock. Time slips away and I fail to realize it.
But today is different, it’s my birthday and I’m going through the motions of a typical day in my head. I lie awake, staring at the sunlit ceiling, I imagine something will change. Have I let life barely touch my fingertips, wasting time that’s not mine, will I be remembered? I await this big boom, a masterpiece that will become of me. I don’t feel any different, nothing seems different. I’ll probably be telling everyone that I’m still 15 until my 16 years has sunk into my skin. I look at the alarm clock, the numbers are sharp, and my alarm ceases to sound.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Subtotals
Number of days lived: 5,944,number of days I wished I were dead: 2,922 number of times I’ve cried:2,922 number of times my tears have changed anything:0 number of fathers:2 number of those who’ve earned the title:1 number of ex-boyfriends:2 number of times my hearts been broken:0 number of times I’ve broken a heart:2 number of dogs owned: 6 cats: 0 number of mothers: 1 number of times I’ve been stabbed in the back: 1,247 number of times I’ve betrayed another: 637 number of stupid things said:6,827 done: 8,915 number of holey socks:348 number of delayed moments:312 number of times I’ve indulged in chocolate:41 number of siblings:5, brothers:2, sisters:2, it:1 number of report cards received:42, birthday cards:1,954 number of times I was listening and wish I wasn’t:3 number of times I passed out:0 number of times the situation was so terrible that I wish I would have: 7 number of sleepovers attended;12 number of beds slept in: 10 my own: 4 number of times I wish he’d stay one more hour:972, minute:3,832, second:6,243number of family members: 349 number of slippers owned: 12, worn: 0 number of eyes: on my face:2, in the back of my head:2 number of flowers received: 15, picked:26 number of camping trips taken: 17 number enjoyed:16 number of timed blinked:982,098,654 number of times I’ve seen my biological father in the past two years:10, talked to him:0. number of doodles drawn:864 number of cars driven:1 number of shoes owned:738, number of times I thought I could fly:4, number of times I’ve attempted to fly2 successful attempts:0 number of mistakes :2 many to count number of regretted mistakes :0 (I learn from them)
Walls
Turn the oval knob,
Analyzing my thoughts, emotions
As if walking into a crowded room
Push open the door,
It separates my self-admiration,
Otherwise opposed by judgments that lie on the outside,
Where there is laughter,
That does not encompass my mood
Blank walls, suppressed, by crooked picture frames,
Broken blinds, snapshots of my disguise;
Let unwanted light seep through in the early morning
The windows hold images,
They change periodically,
I envy the birds that glide elegantly through the telephone wires
A broken dresser hugs a corner,
It holds my appearance
The bed stands alone in the center,
It is replaceable, same as I,
We both can be removed, shipped away,
All that is left is the scent
Walk backwards,
Forget my thoughts, emotions,
And close the door.
Analyzing my thoughts, emotions
As if walking into a crowded room
Push open the door,
It separates my self-admiration,
Otherwise opposed by judgments that lie on the outside,
Where there is laughter,
That does not encompass my mood
Blank walls, suppressed, by crooked picture frames,
Broken blinds, snapshots of my disguise;
Let unwanted light seep through in the early morning
The windows hold images,
They change periodically,
I envy the birds that glide elegantly through the telephone wires
A broken dresser hugs a corner,
It holds my appearance
The bed stands alone in the center,
It is replaceable, same as I,
We both can be removed, shipped away,
All that is left is the scent
Walk backwards,
Forget my thoughts, emotions,
And close the door.
Girl
Cross your legs when sitting, not at your ankles. Bite your tongue when spoken to, don’t stick up for your beliefs, they don’t matter. Look the other way when an injustice takes place, when one is done to you scream. Don’t apply your makeup too thick, it’ll look trashy, don’t apply to little, your flaws will show. When you eat chew with your mouth closed, open if you want to leave the table. Don’t be late, your poise is important as well as your presence. Never cheat in game or in love. If cheated on, deal with it. Do not call your father after three, he will be with his mistress and will not answer. Never eat dinner after six, your food will not settle. Act inferior when around those who are strong, act strong around those who are weak. Abide by your curfew, otherwise you will be seen as acting out of sorts. Let your mother’s comments lower your self-esteem, they make her feel good. Look after all of your siblings, even though it’s not your job. Do whatever it takes to come up on top, even if you step on others to get there. Try not to cry, if you do you will be viewed as weak, if you don’t you won’t be considered human. Take advantage of time, it will run faster than you.
DON'T
Don't go left, you'll be to far. Don't go right, you'll be to close. Don't look ahead, you'll trail behind. If you hold my hand I'll just pull away. If you don't reach for my hand I'll feel unwanted. Don't look at me, I'll look away. If I don't catch you starring out of the corner of my eye, I won't feel beautiful. Don't tell my secrets, I won't keep yours. Don't tell me what to do, I'm not a child. But if you have any advice I'm willing to take it. I'll hit you because I know you won't hit me back. I'll hurt you because you tried to hurt me. Don't out-smart me, I'll make you look stupid. Don't give me rules, I'll work around them. Don't push, I'll shove. Don't say goodnight, I won't be there to say good-morning. Don't kiss me good-bye, I'll turn away.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Yesterday's News, Today's Mistakes
So once again here we are not getting anywhere, anywhere but the bottom, we've been here before but not for long. So why would you not try to help me up. I've helped you before. Now you show sympathy? Well I don't need it, don't want it, well, maybe I do, but not from you, not from anyone remotely close to you. The way you breathe, you're too close, now giving me goose bumps. Now you think you can touch me, who gave you that right? God, you told me you didn't believe in him, but now you do, oh how convenient for you. How well do you know me, well enough to open me up, long enough to destroy me from the inside out? Will you stick around long enough to love me, or just until you believe you have? What's with the smirk on your face? You think you're so funny don't you? What's with the smirk on your face? You think you're smarter then me don't you? Well you're not. I can see right through you, from your flossy smile to your name brand clothes. How much time will I waste on you, just enough to appear interested, or too much, to the point where I'll regret it. Will I run before you? I think I will. You always talk about forever. I tell you I don't think it will happen. But will it come or fade like the rest of your promises. Those that are broken on the floor. Pieces sharp enough to cut your feet on. But I won't say ouch, I won't cry. I'll bandage myself up, and keep walking.
Visions and Words
“No” I said abruptly. The word slid across my dinning room table towards him, our visits were never spent like this. I stood starring at my family portrait right above his head on the wall; he looked at me, the green in his eyes turning to grey.
“What did I do, I can’t understand you unless you tell me?”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I can’t, I don’t know how, I’m sorry!” I said as I pushed back the tears that welled up behind my eyes. I never understood how you could feel so many emotions at the same time, it’s uncomfortably overwhelming.
“I don’t get it, why can’t you tell me, if we don’t communicate this will never work, I love you, but you’re making this so difficult…”
This is the last part of the conversation that I heard, every word got fuzzy after that big one COMMUNICATE. He didn’t understand anything because I never told him, I didn’t want to, he might think I was weak. With this weakness in mind I zoned off into my childhood. I put myself nine years back in my old house that was barely big enough to fit the five of us. The family room was just big enough to fit the TV. I can even remember the smell of my mother’s apple pie candle dimly lit in the kitchen. The siding on the house was deteriorating, just as the family inside of it. Or at least what was left. We were one member short of a family.
“What did you say to me?” A stern voice propelled from a strong, short stature man. His voice was terrifying, the kind that shuts you up in the middle of your sentence.
My mother stood there, robbed of her words, tears, making black streams down her cheeks.
“I said, what did you say to me, answer me dammit!” This time his words accompanied by his hand across her face got a shriek for an answer. Witnessing this I ran screaming:
“Daddy no, don’t hit her, don’t hit her, mom!” Everything went in slow motion. By the time I reached her it was too late, she was lying up against the window, like a cat backed into a corner.
I was so enraged that I jumped on him; hit him, just as he hit her. He grabbed me by the arms, threw me against the wall. On my way down to the floor I remember hitting the windowsill, my body began to tremble. I felt like my bones and heart would shatter at the same time. My father showed no remorse for what he had just done. For a moment I sat there, let the burn of the blow sink in as I wiped my tears from my eyes.
I could see the veins shoot through his muscles like an arrow through a heart as he dragged her outside by her dark brown hair. She whimpered as she slipped past me. The fear in her eyes for herself and for her children was indescribable. Coming to my senses I leapt for the door, repeatedly screaming my mothers name as if trying to memorize it. Starring at her through the glass, I made a promise to myself: if this is where talking to a man got you, then, I wouldn’t. My mother only mumbled, and look at where it got her. I would avoid putting myself in this situation.
Now here I was, returning to my present state of mind, slipping away from my horrific childhood memories. I too sat there robbed of my words. But looking into his eyes I saw that he was different, he wouldn’t let his patience run thin with me, we would try to make this work.
“I love you too, listen, I know I have a problem communicating with you, maybe it’s time I tell you why”.
“What do you mean babe?” He said with affectionate eyes, the grey turning back into green.
“Well once when I was seven, among many other times, my mother and father got into a huge fight…”
I saw it this way. My father may have ruined our relationship, but I refuse to let him ruin another one.
“What did I do, I can’t understand you unless you tell me?”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I can’t, I don’t know how, I’m sorry!” I said as I pushed back the tears that welled up behind my eyes. I never understood how you could feel so many emotions at the same time, it’s uncomfortably overwhelming.
“I don’t get it, why can’t you tell me, if we don’t communicate this will never work, I love you, but you’re making this so difficult…”
This is the last part of the conversation that I heard, every word got fuzzy after that big one COMMUNICATE. He didn’t understand anything because I never told him, I didn’t want to, he might think I was weak. With this weakness in mind I zoned off into my childhood. I put myself nine years back in my old house that was barely big enough to fit the five of us. The family room was just big enough to fit the TV. I can even remember the smell of my mother’s apple pie candle dimly lit in the kitchen. The siding on the house was deteriorating, just as the family inside of it. Or at least what was left. We were one member short of a family.
“What did you say to me?” A stern voice propelled from a strong, short stature man. His voice was terrifying, the kind that shuts you up in the middle of your sentence.
My mother stood there, robbed of her words, tears, making black streams down her cheeks.
“I said, what did you say to me, answer me dammit!” This time his words accompanied by his hand across her face got a shriek for an answer. Witnessing this I ran screaming:
“Daddy no, don’t hit her, don’t hit her, mom!” Everything went in slow motion. By the time I reached her it was too late, she was lying up against the window, like a cat backed into a corner.
I was so enraged that I jumped on him; hit him, just as he hit her. He grabbed me by the arms, threw me against the wall. On my way down to the floor I remember hitting the windowsill, my body began to tremble. I felt like my bones and heart would shatter at the same time. My father showed no remorse for what he had just done. For a moment I sat there, let the burn of the blow sink in as I wiped my tears from my eyes.
I could see the veins shoot through his muscles like an arrow through a heart as he dragged her outside by her dark brown hair. She whimpered as she slipped past me. The fear in her eyes for herself and for her children was indescribable. Coming to my senses I leapt for the door, repeatedly screaming my mothers name as if trying to memorize it. Starring at her through the glass, I made a promise to myself: if this is where talking to a man got you, then, I wouldn’t. My mother only mumbled, and look at where it got her. I would avoid putting myself in this situation.
Now here I was, returning to my present state of mind, slipping away from my horrific childhood memories. I too sat there robbed of my words. But looking into his eyes I saw that he was different, he wouldn’t let his patience run thin with me, we would try to make this work.
“I love you too, listen, I know I have a problem communicating with you, maybe it’s time I tell you why”.
“What do you mean babe?” He said with affectionate eyes, the grey turning back into green.
“Well once when I was seven, among many other times, my mother and father got into a huge fight…”
I saw it this way. My father may have ruined our relationship, but I refuse to let him ruin another one.
Release
I was so nervous. It was the kind that made you feel like you were just punched in the stomach. My hands were so sweaty that I could wring them out and fill a small swimming pool. A swimming pool that I was steadily sinking in. The pressure of the water kept my mouth closed, in fear of drowning in my words, until my thoughts rescued me. He helped me up, aiding in the rescue. I knew he felt the wave of emotions pulling me under as he grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
The room was small and full of unfamiliar faces. Their heads didn’t match their bodies at first. There was a thin piece of glass. I was treading on it. Scared to move, blink, even breathe, I felt my heart shrivel up and I squeezed his hand lingering on the words he spoke: “its okay, they’ll love you, I do.” He let me go, I felt as if I was being forced to jump ship. Thrown into a sea of people without a life jacket I was screaming on the inside, loving and hating him at the same time.
I let down my guards, allowing them to pick at me, until my insides were displayed for all to see. They weren’t so bad after all. I could tell where he got his qualities, from his slight Wyoming accent, to the way he wore his clothes. I began to spread out my arms, swim into everyone. Then I realized I’m here to discover him. This wasn’t about me, as selfishly as I wanted it to be. I needed to know him, uncover his shadowed identity, as they were doing to me. Unhesitant his family opened up, let me into their world, until we were all one. For once I felt equal to a stranger.
Later on, when the sun lowered enough for the eye to admire the patterns it left in the sky, he captured me. Grabbing my hand as he did once before, we escaped. The trees seemed as if they were trying to catch the sun. No one was around, just us. Everything I knew or wanted to know, my insecurities, flaws, they all left me. Watching the sunset leave our silhouettes painted on the ground made me smile. As I looked into his hollow eyes I was lost, but found him holding onto me. He kissed me, I held onto it, until it burned inside, then I let go.
The room was small and full of unfamiliar faces. Their heads didn’t match their bodies at first. There was a thin piece of glass. I was treading on it. Scared to move, blink, even breathe, I felt my heart shrivel up and I squeezed his hand lingering on the words he spoke: “its okay, they’ll love you, I do.” He let me go, I felt as if I was being forced to jump ship. Thrown into a sea of people without a life jacket I was screaming on the inside, loving and hating him at the same time.
I let down my guards, allowing them to pick at me, until my insides were displayed for all to see. They weren’t so bad after all. I could tell where he got his qualities, from his slight Wyoming accent, to the way he wore his clothes. I began to spread out my arms, swim into everyone. Then I realized I’m here to discover him. This wasn’t about me, as selfishly as I wanted it to be. I needed to know him, uncover his shadowed identity, as they were doing to me. Unhesitant his family opened up, let me into their world, until we were all one. For once I felt equal to a stranger.
Later on, when the sun lowered enough for the eye to admire the patterns it left in the sky, he captured me. Grabbing my hand as he did once before, we escaped. The trees seemed as if they were trying to catch the sun. No one was around, just us. Everything I knew or wanted to know, my insecurities, flaws, they all left me. Watching the sunset leave our silhouettes painted on the ground made me smile. As I looked into his hollow eyes I was lost, but found him holding onto me. He kissed me, I held onto it, until it burned inside, then I let go.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)